A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER

Scott and I have always struggled with staying pregnant. We wanted a large family, but Heavenly Father thought that two, beautiful girls were our limit. 

For a long time, I kept hoping for more children, but I kept being disappointed. At one point, I lost a little boy and a little girl within a year. The grief and sorrow from the loss of two precious children of God overcame me. 

I have also struggled for all my adult life with a chemical imbalance. With the two miscarriages and my depression, I hit rock bottom. Even with two young girls to take care of, I struggled getting out of bed. I was constantly crying. And I was angry with God for not letting me keep my precious babies. I wondered why Heavenly Father didn’t trust me to be a mom. 

My brain was broken. My heart was torn. My spirit yearned for peace.

Scott and the girls also struggled. They watched me in anguish, not knowing how to help. I screamed. I yelled.  Sometimes I was angry at God. I took medication. I wasn’t OK. 

Scott prayed and pleaded with me to keep living. My sweet daughters gave me hugs and tried to make me smile. I received priesthood blessings. I kept going to Church even when I didn’t want to, and I attended the temple when I could manage it. 

On one hard morning, I knelt to pray and a powerful thought entered my mind: “You have been given only two biological daughters because I need you to be a mother to them AND help ‘mother’ other children.” 

The impossible weight I had carried for a year lifted.  A rush or relief swept over me. I knew that Heavenly Father was speaking to me and reassuring me that I was needed and wanted as a mother. 

That moment was the beginning of my ‘recovery’ from a year of grief and pain. Since, I have spent my life being a mom to whomever will let me mother them. I have loved my friend’s children as my own. I have cared for my piano and voice students as my own. I have cherished my ‘kids’ in every calling I’ve had. I find peace, joy, and fulfillment in being a mom, grandmother, church mom, camp grandma, co-mom, and Kentucky mom. I love my calling as a mother in Zion! And I’m grateful that God trusts me to be a mom to everyone!

That year was abominable, but God made something beautiful come from the ashes. I discovered my divine identity. Heavenly Father answers prayers.

At least that’s the way I remember it.