Scott and I have always struggled with staying pregnant. We wanted a large family, but Heavenly Father thought that two, beautiful girls were our limit.
For a long
time, I kept hoping for more children, but I kept being disappointed. At one
point, I lost a little boy and a little girl within a year. The grief and
sorrow from the loss of two precious children of God overcame me.
I have also
struggled for all my adult life with a chemical imbalance. With the two
miscarriages and my depression, I hit rock bottom. Even with two young girls to
take care of, I struggled getting out of bed. I was constantly crying. And I
was angry with God for not letting me keep my precious babies. I wondered why
Heavenly Father didn’t trust me to be a mom.
My brain was
broken. My heart was torn. My spirit yearned for peace.
Scott and
the girls also struggled. They watched me in anguish, not knowing how to help.
I screamed. I yelled. Sometimes I was
angry at God. I took medication. I wasn’t OK.
Scott prayed
and pleaded with me to keep living. My sweet daughters gave me hugs and tried
to make me smile. I received priesthood blessings. I kept going to Church even
when I didn’t want to, and I attended the temple when I could manage it.
On one hard
morning, I knelt to pray and a powerful thought entered my mind: “You have been
given only two biological daughters because I need you to be a mother to them
AND help ‘mother’ other children.”
The
impossible weight I had carried for a year lifted. A rush or relief swept over me. I knew that
Heavenly Father was speaking to me and reassuring me that I was needed and wanted
as a mother.
That moment
was the beginning of my ‘recovery’ from a year of grief and pain. Since, I have
spent my life being a mom to whomever will let me mother them. I have loved my
friend’s children as my own. I have cared for my piano and voice students as my
own. I have cherished my ‘kids’ in every calling I’ve had. I find peace, joy,
and fulfillment in being a mom, grandmother, church mom, camp grandma, co-mom,
and Kentucky mom. I love my calling as a mother in Zion! And I’m grateful that
God trusts me to be a mom to everyone!
That year
was abominable, but God made something beautiful come from the ashes. I
discovered my divine identity. Heavenly Father answers prayers.
At least
that’s the way I remember it.
